Meaning of Life
by okayserasera
Summary: It's not that life means nothing to Sasuke these days; it's that Itachi's life has always meant everything. Itachi, Sasuke, non-chronological drabbles. Canon divergence.
1. i

Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me, no profit involved. No warnings, set after the Valley of the End. Uchiha and angst should be synonymous though.

* * *

For a moment—and only just that: one moment—Sasuke considers turning back, but then he listens and hears Naruto's breaths dying. With every breath that Naruto takes, Sasuke almost forgets his purpose so he listens to Naruto no more and leaves Naruto like his rapidly-fading life means nothing (Sasuke tries not to feel sad. It's the idiot's fault for being stupid and thinking bonds mean shit).

Besides, the only one that Sasuke will watch die is Itachi; everyone else can just stay out of his way or burn as Sasuke sets the path he travels on into black flame. Sasuke doesn't want to do this, though; he isn't Itachi and he doesn't want to kill because he can. But he has a purpose that he must fulfill. He owes it to his family (even if Mother wouldn't want this—Sasuke's hatred, brother killing brother—Sasuke ignores that. Mother is dead. Itachi is alive).

Still, Sasuke stops for a moment and thinks about the person (friend) he has killed and the others he will probably kill if he goes to Orochimaru. Sasuke wonders if other people's lives have stopped meaning anything to him, if his life has stopped meaning anything. Sasuke comes to a decision and starts running wild, tearing away, away from Konoha. He will not hear Naruto gurgle and gasp for air; Sasuke will cling to what's left of life (nothing) enough for the both of them.

It's not that life does not mean anything to him, Sasuke thinks, it's that Itachi's life means everything to him.

Without Itachi, there is nothing.

He thinks maybe it will be a good thing if he dies after killing Itachi.


	2. ii

Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me, no profit involved. No warnings.

* * *

Rain roars down upon them as the broken jinchuuriki (such violence is unnecessary, but then again Itachi doubts Kisame cares) is hefted over Kisame's sword like a hunk of meat, and Itachi's face is the only placid thing about this picture. Though the manners beaten into him by his mother keep him from commenting on the delay (annoying, Kisame should have asked for his help if it was going to take so much time), he allows himself to firmly suggest to Kisame that they continue to the meet-up point Pein had assigned them instead of stopping for a break. The schedule is kept: Kisame listens and thus the pair continues into night.

As dawn approaches, they are passing through a heavily populated area and Itachi mentally remarks on how it is good Kisame is not the chatty type to arouse inconvenient passerby's suspicions with irrelevant babble (any opponents they encounter Itachi will be able to defeat, but it would be bothersome and pointless to expend the energy on those stupid enough to challenge him). But then the Four-tails jinchuuriki moans and begins to move, and Itachi is forced to use the Sharingan to put the prisoner to sleep. He cannot wait until they can get rid of him; capturing jinchuuriki after the Akatsuki has attracted so much attention recently is risky business.

After this thought, Itachi pauses for a second and thinks. When did another person's life stop meaning everything to him? In past he thought every life sacred and violence abhorrent. Now, seven years after crying-killing his clan for continued peace for Konoha's children (and Sasuke's safety, Itachi's subconscious reminds him), he kills easily as he pulls on the Akatsuki robe every morning. Abstractly, Itachi knows he is helping secure the peace and prevent bloodshed by providing Konoha with intelligence; however, now when he kills, Itachi feels nothing other than a quick feeling of regret at the waste. Other people's lives mean little as he steals them. Itachi wonders if he is like Danzo where the lives he takes mean nothing if it furthers his goal (his goal which will work; Itachi has calculated and planned for all possibilities): a world where Sasuke can live in peace and safety.

For a second, he wonders if he should stop cooperating with Danzo, but then he rejects that notion. He does not have much longer to live, so he must cooperate to ensure Sasuke's absence from the bingo books. Also, Itachi is nowhere near fool enough to think if he backs out now that Danzo will not try to assassinate Sasuke. Itachi decides he can maintain his position as an Akatsuki until he dies; it's not like killing bothers him that much anymore anyways. Momentary guilt has nothing to add onto the mountain of shame Itachi has collected.

Life has not lost meaning for him, Itachi decides, it's just that Sasuke's life means everything. For Sasuke, Itachi would do anything. The last seven years has been proof enough of that. Itachi thinks of his past body count (perhaps more than it should be) and tries to predict what his future one will be.

Perhaps it is a good thing that Itachi will let Sasuke kill him.


	3. iii

Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me, no profit involved. No warnings, set around the time before/after Sasuke was born. Winter (and finals are coming) so updates are going to be sporadic until mid-December.

* * *

Itachi sits cross-legged on the floor watching Mother waddle. Her stomach is swelling like the pumpkins Itachi's aunts grow in the garden—getting riper and riper until they look like they will burst with life. Mother says she is fat and wants this baby to be born already so she can go back to work.

At this, Itachi tilts his head and asks why she wants to go back to work. Itachi is small and he does not like shinobi work. The small hairs on his arm rise even as he sits in sunlight when he remembers the stench of the bloody pools in Kusa. Father said that he must see war to become a man (Itachi thinks that he does not want to be a man; all grown men seem to do is stick each other with swords. Itachi, age five, is child enough to think this is stupid).

Because, Mother says, shinobi work is important to who she is as an Uchiha. It isn't fair that since she is a woman she cannot go and fight to defend her family-clan (Itachi notices she does not say village; in the Academy, they always stress about how shinobi fight to defend the village).

Yes, Itachi agrees, but doesn't defending her family mean she has to kill other people's families? Wouldn't it just be better if everyone was just one big family and no one died?

Mother shakes her head and says different people cannot come together to make a family; family is family and people who aren't family will always fight and kill each other as they have done for all of memory. Mother says Itachi will understand this when he is older, but now he is a strange, sweet child.

Itachi pops a dango in his mouth and asks if he is sweet even after he crippled an Iwa nin as he snuck up behind Father (Itachi feels badly about this even if he did it to save a family member's life). Mother swallows and changes the subject. The baby boy, Mother asks, what will we name him when he is born?

Brother, Itachi says.

…

Brother is born pink and wrinkly. He is named Sasuke. Itachi is slightly disappointed until Mother points out Sasuke is not just Itachi's brother; he is her Son, other Uchihas' cousin-nephew-grandson, a future Uchiha shinobi. Still, in Itachi's head, Sasuke is always his Brother.

He holds Brother in his arms and marvels on how small and defenseless this Sasuke is. Itachi decides it his duty to protect Brother since Mother and Father always seem so busy and worried these days after the Kyuubi attack.

Itachi tilts his head and thinks. Holding smaller Brother in his small arms, he understands why people go to wars to defend their families. War is still horrible though; Itachi hopes all the fighting in the world is done by the time Brother is Itachi's current age. Brother should not (will not) have to see that and kill the way Itachi will have to, Itachi decides. Sasuke-Brother will live in peace always, Itachi promises.

Itachi knows he would kill the world so this Sasuke would not have to.


	4. iv

Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me, no profit involved. No warnings.

* * *

Sasuke sits, cold and disinterested as if he feels nothing inside (as usual—as an Avenger, he has to kill his insides) watching the people around him live.

Kakashi is shrugging-stringing together some bullshit about an old lady and crossing the road. Sakura has a hand on her hip, green eyes flashing like grass about to poke through dirt with her protestations. Naruto is yelling, shouting, reminding the entire world he is breathing as usual. They look so alive. Sasuke lets his eyes flicker to the ground before snorting and grinding his heel into a mountain of ants.

The ant-mound collapses, ants scattering as their world collapses around them (Sasuke knows the feeling). Naruto notices this and snarls. What the hell has happened to make you like this, he demands.

Life, I've lived, Sasuke responds before wandering off in his mind. The world that does live does not follow him. Sasuke knows he does not want to be like this—cold and cut-off ( _lonely_ , Gaara's dead voice echoes like scattering bats inside his head)—but he is not sure there is anything else he can feel. He must feel like this if he is to be an Avenger (capitalized in his mind's eye to give the word a purpose) and kill the Murderer (capitalized in his mind's eye to give a reason for act causing this name—not the word itself, the word is clear enough, murderer means one who has murdered—other than _why_?).

But before Itachi was the Murderer, Itachi was Brother. Before Sasuke was an Avenger, he was a Brother too. This was their old world, but Itachi killed that in most all the ways that mattered. Sasuke is not sure if he likes what is left behind (himself, an Avenger).

Once the reason for why Sasuke is Avenger bleeds out, Sasuke will not only be no-longer Brother but also a Brother-Murderer (he always wanted to be like Itachi; the desire mocks him).

What is left of Sasuke's world will finally be killed, dead in all the ways that matter, and Sasuke will be left to create a new one ( he says he wants to restore his clan; the words mock him).

Sasuke's eyes focus on the ants scattered at his feet, swarming and stumbling to rebuild their smashed home. Sasuke snorts once again.

Sasuke watches Kakashi slouch carelessly as he watches Naruto and Sakura. Sakura's agile fingers play with her hair as she watches Sasuke and Naruto's hands wave as he watches Sakura. Sasuke hopes they keep their lives ones they want living.


	5. v

Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me, no profit involved. No warnings.

* * *

In Oto, the air humid falls and clings upon Sasuke's skin, heavy and sticky like the paste of the dango he made for Itachi when he was younger. Like paste, it won't go away as much as he wills it and tries to scrub it. The mud squelches under his feet, oozing upwards and spreading sluggishly between the open part of his toes that his sandals do not cover. Sasuke looks at the defeated nin in the mud below him. He wishes that the air would go away, but he supposes it hasn't because both he and the man on the ground are still breathing.

Orochimaru leans forward from behind, breath raising goosebumps like islands in the rivers of sweat on the back of Sasuke's neck. How will you be able to kill your Brother if you cannot kill an opponent you have already felled, Sasuke-kun, Orochimaru whispers light as a lover's caress into Sasuke's ear. A wind blows, air blowing damp hair out of Sasuke's eyes. Sasuke drops the sword from his hand and turns away, mud squelching at the sound of his footfalls.

I'm not Uchiha Itachi, Sasuke calls over his shoulder to Orochimaru, I don't kill to see if I can.

Orochimaru tosses black hair and laughs. Well, I suppose this man will make just a good test subject in my laboratory as target practice for you, Sasuke-kun, Orochimaru laughs once more.

Sasuke thinks of eyes (dead in all the ways that matter) and hearts (still beating) and bodies (skin twisting and burned and bubbling-boiled like the skin of a cooked ham) on Orochimaru's dissection tables and wants to scream. He does not, only begins walking away faster, the mud squelching louder and louder as his strides becomes longer and longer.

Sasuke wonders why he thought he was doing the felled man a charity by not killing him. His breaths quicken and the air feels heavy around him.

Two nights later, Sasuke makes sure the still-beating heart stops beating. Thank-you, death is better than this, the man from before, in the mud, gasps-gurgles. Sasuke just looks at dull-red warmth spreading on his hands; it feels different from mud.

Sasuke now knows how it is to kill. He supposes he does not like it.

He wonders why he thought he was doing the still-beating heart a charity by quieting it. Sasuke's breaths slow down, but the air still feels even heavier around him.

At this, Sasuke does not cry, but he does fall to his knees and vomit until all that is left is the air in his lungs. Surrounded by his own filth and the blood on his hands, Sasuke laughs without a care. The only thing he can hear in the dark of Orochimaru's now-empty laboratory is the beat of his own heart and the sound of his own breath.


	6. vi

Disclaimer/author's notes: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me, no profit involved. No warnings.

* * *

In Ame, the rain falls heavy upon Itachi. If Itachi was the type to believe in the such fancy, he would think that it was a reflection of the ache in his lungs and numb in his heart.

But Itachi is not fanciful. Pragmatic (and efficient, efficient at taijutsu, genjutsu, and ninjutsu—in other words, killing) is all he has ever been. Sometimes he wonders how things would be different if he had been anything else: more compassionate, more loving towards his family, more eloquent in convincing them that rising up against the village that outnumbered them six-to-one was in fact a bad idea.

Itachi flicks his wet bangs out of his eyes and decides these thoughts are besides the point. Though he feels very badly about it (and cries to himself to sleep about it on bad nights, seventeen-year-old man or not), his family is dead and can no longer cause trouble—a pragmatic and efficient solution to the problem.

Except Sasuke is still alive and Danzo and Orochimaru and Madara (Itachi reminds himself he is at least three or four generations separated from that insanity) are circling him like vultures about to tear what was left of the rotted corpse of the Uchiha.

And Itachi loves his Brother, even more now that Sasuke is all that Itachi has left. Itachi has killed everyone else that he once loved. And the disadvantage of being a double agent in an elite terrorist organization for a village of mercenary killers is that Itachi would probably have to kill anyone he allowed himself to get close enough to that he love again. Itachi cannot afford someone who will leave him emotionally compromised (more emotionally compromised than Sasuke already leaves him, that is).

Sasuke is enough for Itachi, even if it has been so long now that Sasuke is now just a memory, the idea of a younger brother untouched by the taint that Itachi lives. An idea of an younger brother cannot be killed and is something that Itachi can live for (and—this is one of the few fancies Itachi allows himself—eventually, blissfully die for, once the current situation with Orochimaru and Danzo is resolved, of course).

Itachi quits thinking about the abstract and superfluous and heads through the gates of Ame to meet Kisame. Itacchi needs to focus on things concrete: with Sarutobi now dead, leaving Sasuke open like a scampering mouse waiting to snapped up by the vultures, Itachi needs to make his presence and dedication towards Sasuke's continued wellbeing known. Danzo has been getting far to bold. Orochimaru's tongue is wandering far too far. Perhaps things would have been simpler if he had killed those two when he had the chance. Or if he cut Orochimaru's tongue off that one time. That could have worked, couldn't it?

Itachi tries to calculate all the viable possibilities and winces. His thoughts are scattering like startled minnows in a puddle. Itachi needs to concentrate, but all he can think, what does Sasuke look like? Does he still love Itachi? Is Sasuke strong? Would Sasuke not want to kill Itachi?

Again, Itachi reminds himself that he is thinking of superfluous fancies. Sasuke hates Itachi, and eventually Sasuke will kill Itachi. Itachi has willed it so. Or at least the idea it must so. When it comes to Sasuke, Itachi is never sure (Sasuke, after all, is the only thing that makes Itachi feel and, more importantly, doubt) .

The rain continues to fall heavy upon Itachi, but it seems to fall more coldly. Itachi's lungs feel more numb than usual, but for a second, Itachi think his heart aches.

Itachi exhales slowly and trudges on.


	7. vii

Author's notes/disclaimer: Naruto is owned by Masashi Kishimoto, not me. Warnings for implied major character death and implied suicide.

* * *

Itachi remembers when Sasuke, seven years old and eyes loving and wide and trusting like Itachi is everything, asks him the best way to kill a man. Right then, Itachi had been at the sink, blood up to his elbows like scarlet gloves, trying to quietly wash himself so that Mother did not throw a fit from bloodstains at the dinner table. Mikoto—gentle, prim, and always proper—and a killer that birthed her children just to become killers like her. Itachi wanted to snarl at the thought. Sasuke—eyes wide and young and trusting and _just like_ those of the target whose blood was now on Itachi's hands—asking how to be a killer.

'Why does baby brother want to know how to kill a man,' Itachi laughed softly, softly (bitterly, bitterly—more bitter than ever before).

'So I can be like you,' small Sasuke laughs back as if it is Life's most obvious answer.

At this, Itachi had turned away, thought about what he would have to do the next day and laughed again. But this time he laughed bitterly, not even bothering to be soft. 'Like me, ' Itachi had murmured as he walked away, 'well you'll learn well enough tomorrow when you come home tomorrow.'

And so Sasuke did. Itachi noticed as he was leaving Sasuke still looked at him like he was everything.

Itachi wonders why he remembers this memory now—not the massacre, not the people he has killed, not any of the others—at the end of things as Sasuke strides towards him. Not that it matters in the end. Itachi is ready (so ready, so tired) and prepared to die for what he has done.

Besides, Sasuke, eyes wide and young, still looks to Itachi like he is everything. That is enough. Still, what Itachi wouldn't give just to see that trusting look in Sasuke's eyes (and the love, but Itachi reminds himself at least he has the hate—that means something, Itachi knows it does). Itachi wishes he could see Sasuke smile one last time.

But then, Sasuke suddenly pauses and laughs, bitter as Itachi once did.

'You remember when I first tried to kill you, when you said that I didn't have enough hate and never would,' Sasuke asks as if this is a normal conversation, not a precursor to fratricide, to killing the only family he has left.

Itachi shrugs. He does not know why Sasuke brings this up now of all times.

Still, Sasuke continues. 'You were right,' he says, 'I don't have enough hate and I never will. I can't—'

Sasuke breaks off and smiles, his face twisting into the jagged expression as if it is unfamiliar and hurting. 'I still love you,' Sasuke says as if the thought pains him more than anything else than Itachi has done, 'I still love you, and it _disgusts_ me.'

Itachi blinks. Really of all times for Sasuke to become emotional. Well, Itachi supposes he will listen. The things he does to humor his baby brother.

'Goodbye, brother,' Sasuke murmurs.

Itachi releases the breath he has been holding in and finally closes his eyes. 'You see, foolish little brother,' Itachi hears himself saying, 'The best way to kill a man is—I never did get around to teaching you. Forgive me, Sasuke, but this is it.'

'But you did teach me, Brother,' Sasuke replies in a dead tone, sounding finally something close to peace. "Life, I've lived for you, but I don't want to live anymore.'

It is not until Itachi opens his eyes and sees the blood on Sasuke's throat, the kunai fallen from his hands that he realizes what Sasuke meant.

The best way to kill a man. To take away everything so that he is dead. Or dead in all the ways that matter, at the very least. So that he has a life he does not want to be living.

Still, Sasuke is not quite dead yet. Surely, this is something Itachi can do, surely?

Itachi laughs until he cries.

Sasuke did always say he wanted to be like him.


End file.
